So- Oh right, it's Mercy here again- So, today's the twenty-first of March! Man, did I sleep in or what?
Tommy and me got in a big fight because he read what I wrote about his girlfriend. I didn't know Tommy could read or use the Internets. He has a Facebook but that's about it. And once I caught him looking at naked guys, but he said it was an accident, that he'd typed something wrong. He'd kill me if he knew I was talking about him. Wait, here I go again, talking about the band on our website! I guess now that I've typed it in he'll see this too. Dammit!
Because, you know, this was supposed to be sort of a secret website about how we bloomed from a packet of seeds of awesome into God plants of Rock, and then I was going to publish it all and people would worship it and it would become a sort of Bible and then eventually replace the Bible altogether, because it was a more interesting read and also because it would guide people through leading productive and fulfilling lives, sort of like the Bible. But more readable. That was the plan. But, of course Tommy goes right onto Google three days after we started playing together to see if there's anything about us online and this blog is, like, the fifth or sixth hit he gets. Would you believe that the newspaper published an article about us online already! It's sort of really just a little piece about a noise complaint we generated at three on a Saturday night, but the sheriff that came out to shut us down was really cool with it all and he let us off pretty easy. He did take all our beer though and ended up confiscating a baggie from the guy with the green sunglasses, I couldn't tell what it was but it looked like oregano. I asked the guy with the green glasses about it later and he said it was oregano, and then I saw the sheriff later and the sheriff didn't recognize me but he gave the guy with the green sunglasses a pretty dirty look. I don't think the guy with the green sunglasses saw the sheriff though, those sunglasses are really tinted. I wore them when I wrote, "It's a Dark Dark World, a Really Dark World, and Green," because I wrote that song in the middle of the day and it was really bright out and the guy with the green sunglasses had left them nearby. But, that's the only time I ever wore his sunglasses.
Anyway, so Tommy wasn't really happy that I said all those things about his girlfriend, even though I had to remind him which girl I was talking about. So we broke up the band. But, then there were so many requests for us to get back together, and all the suppport we got from our really loyals fans was touching, so we put aside our differences and I told Tommy that I was just joking anyway, that I really wasn't in love with Atalanta. I had to remind him who Atalanta was, again, even though she was standing right behind him, and then we shook and hugged it out. But, don't tell anyone that either, because Tommy only hugs women. He doesn't hug guys, unless it's because the band has just reunited. He's very strict about that, even though I saw him do it at least three times, not including when we hugged out our differences. Atalanta winked at me and said it was really nice that we were friends again and after that I was glad that Tommy and I got over things. Atalanta is our singer now! Tommy said that was the only condition that I'd have to agree to, that she was going to sing if we got the band back together, so he could concentrate on his guitar playing solos. I told him I was cool with that even though I was originally against it, because secretly it means I get to see her a bunch. I was dumb enough to blurt all that out, can you believe it! But he didn't hear me, I don't think. It's hard to hear much when you're busy tuning a guitar amped to about a hundred and twenty decibels
So we played a reunion gig for our loyal fans and she sang in the purest and most angleic voice I've ever heard and it was pretty much just Mom and Evelyn & Daniel's parents and Tommy's dad listening, and they were pretty much just there because they were cooking out on Tommy's dad's grill that night, but they said we sounded good and they were all glad to have us out of the house again. That's so cool that our fan's can't wait to have us back on the road!
Sooo..., Oh, I just got back from breaking into the high school - Badgers Pituitary Creek Middle School - the venue where the big show is coming up! We rigged our homemade fireworks to the inside of the proscenium and there are a whole bunch of them under the gym seats, too. It's going to be the BEST SHOW EVER! Tommy's been really inspired since the band got back together and he's already written a whole song by himself. If you include the song that I wrote, our big number, "Your Mother's a Whore so Let's Kill Everything," which we've changed to, "Your Mother's Not So Bad and Violence is a Fine but Impractical Solution," we have two whole songs to play. It's going to ROCK! But, I'm worried though. Because even though we've put three whole hours into our production and we've practiced each song at least twice, Eddie hasn't been around. We thought maybe he was busy rounding up groupies or securing our first record deal and also our second record deal so we can tear up the first one, or at least printing the shirts we're going to sell for $20 at the concert. But Topher said he saw Eddy driving with Heron Tornado.
Heron Tornado is a pretty good guitar player, I'll give him that, and his band is pretty good too. The bass player, Devlin Annuals, can reach his hand across two frets, and the drummer, Cleatus Giovanni Caeser VII, can even hit more that one drum at a time. And Heron Tornado is a pretty good guitar player, I 'll give him that. He even sings while he plays.
So what is Eddy doing with Heron Tornado when Eddy said he was too busy to help us make up our costumes to get into the gig? I know we have a great show coming up, but I'm a little anxcious, though I don't like to admit it. If Eddie can't take his managing seriously I don't know how we're going to book for the football stadium next week. We're going to book it next week because, by then, our concert will be so legendary and our songs will be such hot singles that the booking guys won't have a choice. The public, demanding to see us, will riot if they can't be sated, and we'll encourage it, and this will threaten to ruin booking guys' careers. Sweet! Our fame is so close I can smell it! We'll be so famous that they'll say, "Famous isn't the right word to describe Mass Produced in a Burrito Factory!" We'll be in-famous, that's how famous we'll be! Yeah, sweet!
Tuesday, March 22, 2011
Monday, February 28, 2011
Total Babe!
Soooo, like, wow! I've totally me the love of my life and I'm only 23!
She was in a dream I had when I was seven and I touched a guitar for the first time. I touched it in my sleep by accident, or at least that's what I told Mom when she asked me what I was doing. We were at the outdoor market and I was sleepwalking, like I used to do before I discovered wakewalking, and as we passed the old Indian Guru's Cheap Genuine Antiques and Craft Stall my hand brushed against an old beat-up acoustic number that the old Indian Guru told me belonged to George Harrison McCallous, who was a guitar player in a British band in the late sixties that wasn't the Beatles, but had the Beatles open for them once in 1961. And when my hand touched the guitar, and then when I tripped and fell on it and smashed it to pieces, my eyes were closed even more and my sleep became deeper and a winged guitar, which was my CACGSG-ETK-01 (Custom Awful Cherry Gibson Sweetley Guitar-Extra Tone Knob-01) alit from heaven and appeared to me and opened its mouth and said that I was its destiny, and told me that its name was Cathy G. Etkoi and that one day we would meet and forge a future of legend together.
Well, if I hadn't been just standing in front of an eleven-foot tall amplifier with the volume all the way up and those twin-p90s nervously chain smoking, when she walked in, and if I hadn't been feeling a little dizzy from the noise vibrations and trying to keep the blood that was flowing out of my ears off of my chucks, because I've got them just like I want them and don't want to muck them up any more, when she walked in, I probably would have been absolutely stunned and fallen to a knee and asked her to marry me just right then and there. I'm glad I didn't, because I don't like to lose my cool in front of Leg's or Tommy, so I just babbled a few things and I might have drooled a bit, and I got some blood on my chucks anyway but it's okay because I've gotten used to it now and it makes me look a little more badass, even Tommy thinks so. She is the most beautiful woman I've ever seen in my life, and I've seen at least a dozen, but even when we're the most famous and successful band in the world and of all time, and we've played shows to thousands of millions of screaming women, I know from the top to the bottom of my heart that I'll never meet or love anybody else except for her. And we've only just met! And it's meant to be! In my dream, my guitar told me that it's name was Cathy G. Etkoi, and this girl's name is Atalanta Q. Footrace, and while there's really nothering in common between the two Etkoi and Footrace both have the same number of syllables and a Q looks a little like a G.
So I've fallen in love with Atalanta at first sight, and I know in my heart that one day we'll be together forever, and I was about to tell her all of this as soon as I saw her and she walked into the coffee shop where I was writing and brainstorming (they don't like it when I bring my work with me, but I buy a coffee so they can't kick me out), And Tommy works there too, as a barista, but then she went up to Tommy and kissed him! Atalanta is Tommy's girlfriend! And then everything made sense, because before, when the band would be together, like if we're practicing, or stargazing, or taking cooking classes (that's where we met Evelyn & Daniel), I thought Tommy would be talking about Atlanta the city, and I thought he would be sharing deep and philosophical insights into the music of the Allman Brothers, which are from the panhandle of Florida, or maybe R.E.M. or the B-52s, which are both from Athens, in Georgia, and Atlanta is the predominate commercial hub for this rich and significant musical vein. Nope, turns out the entire time he would be talking about how much he loved his girlfriend! Who knew?
So now I don't know what I'm going to do, because fate and the space-alien-gods of all time have decreed that I'm supposed to be with her, with Atalanta, and I think this is clearly obvious. But, Tommy thinks it's him that's supposed to be with her, "or whatever." That's what he even said. Oh yeah! I almost forgot, when she heard me playing my guitar and I told her Tommy and I are in a band, she said she's always wanted to sing, and I told Tommy that I thought it was a bad idea, but of course he thinks it's a great idea because then he'd be able to concentrate on his guitar playing, and then we argued over it and I bought an herbal tea and didn't even tip him this time because I was too busy storming out. Chamomile is a fine herbal tea which has several healing properties, including stress reduction, and makes a fine digestive aid, although it can potentially make you sleepy. Atalanta must have the voice of an angel, the most elegant and glorious aria that any unsuspecting mortal has ever had the exclusive and divine privilege of ever hearing. She also likes the lyrics I was working on, she caught a glimpse of them as I was flinging my journal shut in frustration, to a song I wrote three years ago called, "Frogs Make Funny Friends and Always Return What They Borrow," and when she told me that I knew we'd click and that upset Tommy. What am I going to do? She's already tearing us apart, and I don't even know if she's a good singer! But she has to be, she's so perfect. I could go on and on about her, I really could, and my heart flutters in a weird way when I think that I'll be seeing her tomorrow at practice. It flutters in the same way that it does when I drink too much coffee, or when I have a sudden empathic connection to the guy with green glasses and he's in a speed trance. I want to write about her, I want the whole world to know how I feel about her! I want everybody to know excepts Tommy, of course. I want the whole world to know how glorious she is, except Tommy, of course. I don't want him to know how I feel, because it could severely damage our business relationship. I could go on and on about her though. On and on. And on, and on, and on. But the chamomile's made me tired so I'm going to go to bed early.
She was in a dream I had when I was seven and I touched a guitar for the first time. I touched it in my sleep by accident, or at least that's what I told Mom when she asked me what I was doing. We were at the outdoor market and I was sleepwalking, like I used to do before I discovered wakewalking, and as we passed the old Indian Guru's Cheap Genuine Antiques and Craft Stall my hand brushed against an old beat-up acoustic number that the old Indian Guru told me belonged to George Harrison McCallous, who was a guitar player in a British band in the late sixties that wasn't the Beatles, but had the Beatles open for them once in 1961. And when my hand touched the guitar, and then when I tripped and fell on it and smashed it to pieces, my eyes were closed even more and my sleep became deeper and a winged guitar, which was my CACGSG-ETK-01 (Custom Awful Cherry Gibson Sweetley Guitar-Extra Tone Knob-01) alit from heaven and appeared to me and opened its mouth and said that I was its destiny, and told me that its name was Cathy G. Etkoi and that one day we would meet and forge a future of legend together.
Well, if I hadn't been just standing in front of an eleven-foot tall amplifier with the volume all the way up and those twin-p90s nervously chain smoking, when she walked in, and if I hadn't been feeling a little dizzy from the noise vibrations and trying to keep the blood that was flowing out of my ears off of my chucks, because I've got them just like I want them and don't want to muck them up any more, when she walked in, I probably would have been absolutely stunned and fallen to a knee and asked her to marry me just right then and there. I'm glad I didn't, because I don't like to lose my cool in front of Leg's or Tommy, so I just babbled a few things and I might have drooled a bit, and I got some blood on my chucks anyway but it's okay because I've gotten used to it now and it makes me look a little more badass, even Tommy thinks so. She is the most beautiful woman I've ever seen in my life, and I've seen at least a dozen, but even when we're the most famous and successful band in the world and of all time, and we've played shows to thousands of millions of screaming women, I know from the top to the bottom of my heart that I'll never meet or love anybody else except for her. And we've only just met! And it's meant to be! In my dream, my guitar told me that it's name was Cathy G. Etkoi, and this girl's name is Atalanta Q. Footrace, and while there's really nothering in common between the two Etkoi and Footrace both have the same number of syllables and a Q looks a little like a G.
So I've fallen in love with Atalanta at first sight, and I know in my heart that one day we'll be together forever, and I was about to tell her all of this as soon as I saw her and she walked into the coffee shop where I was writing and brainstorming (they don't like it when I bring my work with me, but I buy a coffee so they can't kick me out), And Tommy works there too, as a barista, but then she went up to Tommy and kissed him! Atalanta is Tommy's girlfriend! And then everything made sense, because before, when the band would be together, like if we're practicing, or stargazing, or taking cooking classes (that's where we met Evelyn & Daniel), I thought Tommy would be talking about Atlanta the city, and I thought he would be sharing deep and philosophical insights into the music of the Allman Brothers, which are from the panhandle of Florida, or maybe R.E.M. or the B-52s, which are both from Athens, in Georgia, and Atlanta is the predominate commercial hub for this rich and significant musical vein. Nope, turns out the entire time he would be talking about how much he loved his girlfriend! Who knew?
So now I don't know what I'm going to do, because fate and the space-alien-gods of all time have decreed that I'm supposed to be with her, with Atalanta, and I think this is clearly obvious. But, Tommy thinks it's him that's supposed to be with her, "or whatever." That's what he even said. Oh yeah! I almost forgot, when she heard me playing my guitar and I told her Tommy and I are in a band, she said she's always wanted to sing, and I told Tommy that I thought it was a bad idea, but of course he thinks it's a great idea because then he'd be able to concentrate on his guitar playing, and then we argued over it and I bought an herbal tea and didn't even tip him this time because I was too busy storming out. Chamomile is a fine herbal tea which has several healing properties, including stress reduction, and makes a fine digestive aid, although it can potentially make you sleepy. Atalanta must have the voice of an angel, the most elegant and glorious aria that any unsuspecting mortal has ever had the exclusive and divine privilege of ever hearing. She also likes the lyrics I was working on, she caught a glimpse of them as I was flinging my journal shut in frustration, to a song I wrote three years ago called, "Frogs Make Funny Friends and Always Return What They Borrow," and when she told me that I knew we'd click and that upset Tommy. What am I going to do? She's already tearing us apart, and I don't even know if she's a good singer! But she has to be, she's so perfect. I could go on and on about her, I really could, and my heart flutters in a weird way when I think that I'll be seeing her tomorrow at practice. It flutters in the same way that it does when I drink too much coffee, or when I have a sudden empathic connection to the guy with green glasses and he's in a speed trance. I want to write about her, I want the whole world to know how I feel about her! I want everybody to know excepts Tommy, of course. I want the whole world to know how glorious she is, except Tommy, of course. I don't want him to know how I feel, because it could severely damage our business relationship. I could go on and on about her though. On and on. And on, and on, and on. But the chamomile's made me tired so I'm going to go to bed early.
Tuesday, February 22, 2011
Like, woah cool all right!
So, I don't want to give you the wrong impression. MPIABF (not to be confused with CGRCSGETK, I added the ETK for 'Extra Tone Knob') is NOT just about sitting in a garage and drinking beer. It's going to be about so much more than that eventually! Leg's has been working on a drum solo and he really stunned us all yesterday with his knowledge of intimate songcraft. He said something about, what was it? I don't remember, but he had this great suggestion so I went out and bought a watch and he's right! Now I have time! He said if we all get time then our songs will sound a lot better. Like real songs! So Evelyn & Daniel is going to get a watch too and Tommy says he will, but Tommy doesn't really care because all he plays is guitar solos. He's pretty good, he can play three notes without even messing up yet. He's got a problem, though. Eddie told us that there's a middle school talent show coming up in a month and even though we're all a little too talented to compete fairly against middle schoolers, he wants to disguise us anyway as sixth graders and get us on to the bill. Our first gig!, all right! But Tommy's already caving under the pressure of choosing the right outfit to wear. I told him the green boa fits his stage persona better but he insists that the red boa makes a stronger artistic statement, and that the green boa links him metaphorically...or is it symbolically?-- with the guy with the green sunglasses' sunglasses. Tommy is afraid that his audience will assume that he is subtly confessing that his lyrics should be taken as interpretations of a world filtered detachedly, through tinted lenses. I can't really argue with that. I decided that Tommy will just figure it out. Yeah! I asked Tommy to write song lyrics for a song idea I had, a pretty nice acoustic number that needs encouraging lyrics to resonate with a message of optimism and good will, geared of course to the impressionable generation of the audience that we'll hopefully rouse to inspiration, and Tommy said yeah and he sat down and wrote "Your Mother's a Whore so let's Kill Everything," in about twenty minutes and it's almost perfect, he's actually pretty talented when he sets his mind to it, it's just about what I had in mind! So this gig should go over pretty well. Donnie's going to tear up some clothes for us and draw a cool logo and paint it on a flag that we'll hang up behind us, like I heard they used to do in Boston. If we really like the logo he says he'll paint it on the drum set, too, although we'd have to figure out how to fix the head on the bass drum because Topher accidentally put his head through it the other night. After that, all we need to do is practice, and figure out how to rig fireworks to the inside of the proscenium without being spotted so that the grande finale is a big surprise! Sweet!
Thursday, February 17, 2011
Mercy Here!
ANNOUNCING THE ARRIVAL OF
MASS PRODUCED IN A BURRITO FACTORY: THE RISE (AND FALL?!) OF THE WORLD'S GREATEST BAND!
All right! So, this is Mercy here and I'm sorry it took so long to finally start telling you all about our great band! We are MASS PRODUCED IN A BURRITO FACTORY, and we also play in a band of the same name! All, cool, cool, so let me tell you a bit about myself. I'm 23, and I look and act about the same age, except when I'm onstage. Yeah, cool! I plays a Gibson SG (that's, 'Super-Great' in guitar-speak. Also, 'Super-Good' in Mercy G.), cherry finish even though its darker, like a cherry that's gone a little bad, so I guess my super-gawesome guitar is a bad cherry finish. Okay, so I play a BCSG. Custom, so it's really BCGSGC, if you add a 'G' for Gibson. Or should it be GBCSGC? It's a pretty standard model. GBCSGC might be a cool name for a song, it's really mysterious, it could mean anything. If it were a rotten cherry finish I'd play a RCSG, or GRCSGC, but I don't. I'm the ryhthym guitar, so I do a loto of the songo-writing, which is why I like to search for the deeper meanings in passing thoughts. 'Bad Cherry Finish' sounds like a good name for a song, too. Tommy doesn't think I do, but he's not a great lyricist, either, which he doesn't agree with, of course. But I haven't introduced Tommy yet, so just wait a sec.
Uh, yeah. So my guitar may seem preety standard, but it's actually just a physical manifestation of my deep subconscious self, so it is most definitely not standard. It has twin custom p90 pickups, just like me, and a humbucker, too, except that the guy who glued it in didn't know how to wire the damned thing and I don't either, so right now it's just for show. There's an extra tone knob too that doesn't work either but someday, when it does, it will make fireworks go off, and not even all over me like they did when I tried to rig them to my old guitar. I don't like burning myself up on stage, it throws off my playing, and the chicks aren't really impressed. It doesn't smell good, either. The extra volume knob will change the color of these fireworks and it will be AWESOME. When the fireworks aren't exploding the extra volume knob will simply create extra volume. I have to install an extra volume knob, but I was thinking I'd just relabel the extra tone knob because I can't really tell the difference between them all, anyway, and the tone knob does seem to make everything louder. I don't really know what tone means, I think it has something to do with what color the music is. Our music is coloured awesome, whatever colour that is. I think it's green.
Ah, I started playing the guitar when I was seven, and I started playing piano when I was three, but don't tell anyone that because I want everyone to know I'm a badass guitar player in an awesome rock band where we play absolutely no sissy classical music whatsoever, even if we are all completely competent musicians who have been classically trained in a combination of styles that are keenly complementary. Hm, sometimes I alliterate a lot, my doctor says its a conditon called Sensational Sound Synonym Syncronicity Syndrome, but I don't know if I believe him, although. That's what was going on when I wrote, "Businessly Badgers Brandish Blueberry Bagels for Bashful Ben." That was a dark time in my life, but I'm sure you can tell if you listen to the lyrics. Uh, actually I wrote my first song when I was eight, I'm pretty sure it's considered a blues classic standard now, maybe you've heard of it, it's called, "Mommy Still Wets the Bed at Night." We play it every now and then at our shows, but I'm kind of tired of fans requesting it because I want to play our new most popular stuff all the time! At the rate we're going it won't take long to become the biggest thing on the face of the earth, bigger than the Great Wall of China and bigger than Leg's' nose, too, haha.
That reminds me, there are other guys in the band too! Leg's is the drummer and he's probably my best friend in the world. We started this band together when we were thirteen and I that's about the time I stopped listening to Metallica, and he didn't like Metallica either so we decided to become a famous band so we could tell the world all about what's really going on. I don't want to talk about it. Anyway, so Leg's and I are best friends and we hold the floor down, he plays a crappy little drum set he bought last week when we decided to start playing music and he can already hit more than one drum at a time, so I know we're on to something. So, Leg's is the drummer and Evelyn & Daniel is the bass player. That's her name, Evelyn & Daniel. That's the name her parents even gave her. They have posters of the Grateful Dead and Pink Floyd all over their house, and those are pretty okay bands, I guess. Evelyn & Daniel always wears a Def Leppard shirt, I think it's the only shirt she has, she got from from his dad's friend who got it when he was a roadie during the Hysteria tour, which is a lame album and I don't really like Def Leppard anyway even though the shirt is pretty cool. Uh, so Evelyn & Daniel and Leg's are both pretty cool, and there's the guy with green sunglasses who sits in every now and then and bangs the keyboard, but we're a rock band so, like, piano is kind of not loud enough to hang with us all the time. Plus, sometimes I don't even think he realizes that we've unplugged it. But, he really gets into it and that looks great, Evelyn & Daniel's mom even said so, so we let the guy with the green sunglasses sit in, even though he has no clue how to play a piano, really.
And then there's Eddie, and Donnie, and Topher. Eddie's our manager. He started the band first and it was going to be his band, he was going to play lead guitar and sing lead vocals, and be lead frontman and lead us all around, but he can't play guitar or sing, and he doesn't really look too good, anyway. We asked him to just manage us and he pouted but he knows what he's doing. I think. He convinced Tommy's dad to let us practice in the garage, and Tommy's dad is a tough old codger so Eddie never really told us his secret, how he got Tommy's dad to let us use the garage. But he's really good. Tommy is his twin brother, so I guess Tommy's dad is Eddie's dad, too. Tommy wants to be called Roal Exit Only, he wants that to be his eccentric stage name and he wants us all to call him Roal and I don't really give a damn, because his name is Tommy. But he can sing okay and all the other guys like him, so I guess I can go with it. Leg's wanted to change his name to Linens of the Week, because Tommy has an eccentric stage name that adds mystery to his personality, and I told Leg's it's a much better name for a song, or another band, so he said if he ever went solo that's what his band name would be, Linens of the Week. The idea for our band name came from Donnie, that's Eddie and Tommy's other brother, he's a twin too, but actually he was just talking about how he really likes burritos and how he likes to take them to work, and how he plans on making a whole bunch of them so he doesn't have to make them every day, because it takes time to cook the rice and beans and roll it all up. Topher likes Donnie's burritos too but they taste like shit. Topher just likes to sit around, and he usually talks too much and yesterday he set an amp on fire when he was lighting a bowl, but he works down at the distributor so he brings a free case around some times and he's okay. He says when we're big he'll help us carry our instruments around and we can even borrow his truck, so that's cool too.
All in all, I must say that since the band begun, this has been the busiest week of my life!
MASS PRODUCED IN A BURRITO FACTORY: THE RISE (AND FALL?!) OF THE WORLD'S GREATEST BAND!
All right! So, this is Mercy here and I'm sorry it took so long to finally start telling you all about our great band! We are MASS PRODUCED IN A BURRITO FACTORY, and we also play in a band of the same name! All, cool, cool, so let me tell you a bit about myself. I'm 23, and I look and act about the same age, except when I'm onstage. Yeah, cool! I plays a Gibson SG (that's, 'Super-Great' in guitar-speak. Also, 'Super-Good' in Mercy G.), cherry finish even though its darker, like a cherry that's gone a little bad, so I guess my super-gawesome guitar is a bad cherry finish. Okay, so I play a BCSG. Custom, so it's really BCGSGC, if you add a 'G' for Gibson. Or should it be GBCSGC? It's a pretty standard model. GBCSGC might be a cool name for a song, it's really mysterious, it could mean anything. If it were a rotten cherry finish I'd play a RCSG, or GRCSGC, but I don't. I'm the ryhthym guitar, so I do a loto of the songo-writing, which is why I like to search for the deeper meanings in passing thoughts. 'Bad Cherry Finish' sounds like a good name for a song, too. Tommy doesn't think I do, but he's not a great lyricist, either, which he doesn't agree with, of course. But I haven't introduced Tommy yet, so just wait a sec.
Uh, yeah. So my guitar may seem preety standard, but it's actually just a physical manifestation of my deep subconscious self, so it is most definitely not standard. It has twin custom p90 pickups, just like me, and a humbucker, too, except that the guy who glued it in didn't know how to wire the damned thing and I don't either, so right now it's just for show. There's an extra tone knob too that doesn't work either but someday, when it does, it will make fireworks go off, and not even all over me like they did when I tried to rig them to my old guitar. I don't like burning myself up on stage, it throws off my playing, and the chicks aren't really impressed. It doesn't smell good, either. The extra volume knob will change the color of these fireworks and it will be AWESOME. When the fireworks aren't exploding the extra volume knob will simply create extra volume. I have to install an extra volume knob, but I was thinking I'd just relabel the extra tone knob because I can't really tell the difference between them all, anyway, and the tone knob does seem to make everything louder. I don't really know what tone means, I think it has something to do with what color the music is. Our music is coloured awesome, whatever colour that is. I think it's green.
Ah, I started playing the guitar when I was seven, and I started playing piano when I was three, but don't tell anyone that because I want everyone to know I'm a badass guitar player in an awesome rock band where we play absolutely no sissy classical music whatsoever, even if we are all completely competent musicians who have been classically trained in a combination of styles that are keenly complementary. Hm, sometimes I alliterate a lot, my doctor says its a conditon called Sensational Sound Synonym Syncronicity Syndrome, but I don't know if I believe him, although. That's what was going on when I wrote, "Businessly Badgers Brandish Blueberry Bagels for Bashful Ben." That was a dark time in my life, but I'm sure you can tell if you listen to the lyrics. Uh, actually I wrote my first song when I was eight, I'm pretty sure it's considered a blues classic standard now, maybe you've heard of it, it's called, "Mommy Still Wets the Bed at Night." We play it every now and then at our shows, but I'm kind of tired of fans requesting it because I want to play our new most popular stuff all the time! At the rate we're going it won't take long to become the biggest thing on the face of the earth, bigger than the Great Wall of China and bigger than Leg's' nose, too, haha.
That reminds me, there are other guys in the band too! Leg's is the drummer and he's probably my best friend in the world. We started this band together when we were thirteen and I that's about the time I stopped listening to Metallica, and he didn't like Metallica either so we decided to become a famous band so we could tell the world all about what's really going on. I don't want to talk about it. Anyway, so Leg's and I are best friends and we hold the floor down, he plays a crappy little drum set he bought last week when we decided to start playing music and he can already hit more than one drum at a time, so I know we're on to something. So, Leg's is the drummer and Evelyn & Daniel is the bass player. That's her name, Evelyn & Daniel. That's the name her parents even gave her. They have posters of the Grateful Dead and Pink Floyd all over their house, and those are pretty okay bands, I guess. Evelyn & Daniel always wears a Def Leppard shirt, I think it's the only shirt she has, she got from from his dad's friend who got it when he was a roadie during the Hysteria tour, which is a lame album and I don't really like Def Leppard anyway even though the shirt is pretty cool. Uh, so Evelyn & Daniel and Leg's are both pretty cool, and there's the guy with green sunglasses who sits in every now and then and bangs the keyboard, but we're a rock band so, like, piano is kind of not loud enough to hang with us all the time. Plus, sometimes I don't even think he realizes that we've unplugged it. But, he really gets into it and that looks great, Evelyn & Daniel's mom even said so, so we let the guy with the green sunglasses sit in, even though he has no clue how to play a piano, really.
And then there's Eddie, and Donnie, and Topher. Eddie's our manager. He started the band first and it was going to be his band, he was going to play lead guitar and sing lead vocals, and be lead frontman and lead us all around, but he can't play guitar or sing, and he doesn't really look too good, anyway. We asked him to just manage us and he pouted but he knows what he's doing. I think. He convinced Tommy's dad to let us practice in the garage, and Tommy's dad is a tough old codger so Eddie never really told us his secret, how he got Tommy's dad to let us use the garage. But he's really good. Tommy is his twin brother, so I guess Tommy's dad is Eddie's dad, too. Tommy wants to be called Roal Exit Only, he wants that to be his eccentric stage name and he wants us all to call him Roal and I don't really give a damn, because his name is Tommy. But he can sing okay and all the other guys like him, so I guess I can go with it. Leg's wanted to change his name to Linens of the Week, because Tommy has an eccentric stage name that adds mystery to his personality, and I told Leg's it's a much better name for a song, or another band, so he said if he ever went solo that's what his band name would be, Linens of the Week. The idea for our band name came from Donnie, that's Eddie and Tommy's other brother, he's a twin too, but actually he was just talking about how he really likes burritos and how he likes to take them to work, and how he plans on making a whole bunch of them so he doesn't have to make them every day, because it takes time to cook the rice and beans and roll it all up. Topher likes Donnie's burritos too but they taste like shit. Topher just likes to sit around, and he usually talks too much and yesterday he set an amp on fire when he was lighting a bowl, but he works down at the distributor so he brings a free case around some times and he's okay. He says when we're big he'll help us carry our instruments around and we can even borrow his truck, so that's cool too.
All in all, I must say that since the band begun, this has been the busiest week of my life!
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