Mercy Here!

ANNOUNCING THE ARRIVAL OF

MASS PRODUCED IN A BURRITO FACTORY:  THE RISE (AND FALL?!) OF THE WORLD'S GREATEST BAND!

All right!  So, this is Mercy here and I'm sorry it took so long to finally start telling you all about our great band!  We are MASS PRODUCED IN A BURRITO FACTORY, and we also play in a band of the same name!  All, cool, cool, so let me tell you a bit about myself.  I'm 23, and I look and act about the same age, except when I'm onstage.  Yeah, cool!  I plays a Gibson SG (that's, 'Super-Great' in guitar-speak.  Also, 'Super-Good' in Mercy G.), cherry finish even though its darker, like a cherry that's gone a little bad, so I guess my super-gawesome guitar is a bad cherry finish.  Okay, so I play a BCSG.  Custom, so it's really BCGSGC, if you add a 'G' for Gibson.  Or should it be GBCSGC?  It's a pretty standard model.  GBCSGC might be a cool name for a song, it's really mysterious, it could mean anything.  If it were a rotten cherry finish I'd play a RCSG, or GRCSGC, but I don't.  I'm the ryhthym guitar, so I do a loto of the songo-writing, which is why I like to search for the deeper meanings in passing thoughts.  'Bad Cherry Finish' sounds like a good name for a song, too.  Tommy doesn't think I do, but he's not a great lyricist, either, which he doesn't agree with, of course.  But I haven't introduced Tommy yet, so just wait a sec.

Uh, yeah.  So my guitar may seem preety standard, but it's actually just a physical manifestation of my deep subconscious self, so it is most definitely not standard.  It has twin custom p90 pickups, just like me, and a humbucker, too, except that the guy who glued it in didn't know how to wire the damned thing and I don't either, so right now it's just for show.  There's an extra tone knob too that doesn't work either but someday, when it does, it will make fireworks go off, and not even all over me like they did when I tried to rig them to my old guitar.  I don't like burning myself up on stage, it throws off my playing, and the chicks aren't really impressed.  It doesn't smell good, either.  The extra volume knob will change the color of these fireworks and it will be AWESOME.  When the fireworks aren't exploding the extra volume knob will simply create extra volume.  I have to install an extra volume knob, but I was thinking I'd just relabel the extra tone knob because I can't really tell the difference between them all, anyway, and the tone knob does seem to make everything louder.  I don't really know what tone means, I think it has something to do with what color the music is.  Our music is coloured awesome, whatever colour that is.  I think it's green.

Ah, I started playing the guitar when I was seven, and I started playing piano when I was three, but don't tell anyone that because I want everyone to know I'm a badass guitar player in an awesome rock band where we play absolutely no sissy classical music whatsoever, even if we are all completely competent musicians who have been classically trained in a combination of styles that are keenly complementary.  Hm, sometimes I alliterate a lot, my doctor says its a conditon called Sensational Sound Synonym Syncronicity Syndrome, but I don't know if I believe him, although.  That's what was going on when I wrote, "Businessly Badgers Brandish Blueberry Bagels for Bashful Ben." That was a dark time in my life, but I'm sure you can tell if you listen to the lyrics.  Uh, actually I wrote my first song when I was eight, I'm pretty sure it's considered a blues classic standard now, maybe you've heard of it, it's called, "Mommy Still Wets the Bed at Night."  We play it every now and then at our shows, but I'm kind of tired of fans requesting it because I want to play our new most popular stuff all the time!  At the rate we're going it won't take long to become the biggest thing on the face of the earth, bigger than the Great Wall of China and bigger than Leg's' nose, too, haha.

That reminds me, there are other guys in the band too!  Leg's is the drummer and he's probably my best friend in the world.  We started this band together when we were thirteen and I that's about the time I stopped listening to Metallica, and he didn't like Metallica either so we decided to become a famous band so we could tell the world all about what's really going on.  I don't want to talk about it.  Anyway, so Leg's and I are best friends and we hold the floor down, he plays a crappy little drum set he bought last week when we decided to start playing music and he can already hit more than one drum at a time, so I know we're on to something.  So, Leg's is the drummer and Evelyn & Daniel is the bass player.  That's her name, Evelyn & Daniel.  That's the name her parents even gave her.  They have posters of the Grateful Dead and Pink Floyd all over their house, and those are pretty okay bands, I guess.  Evelyn & Daniel always wears a Def Leppard shirt, I think it's the only shirt she has, she got from from his dad's friend who got it when he was a roadie during the Hysteria tour, which is a lame album and I don't really like Def Leppard anyway even though the shirt is pretty cool.  Uh, so Evelyn & Daniel and Leg's are both pretty cool, and there's the guy with green sunglasses who sits in every now and then and bangs the keyboard, but we're a rock band so, like, piano is kind of not loud enough to hang with us all the time.  Plus, sometimes I don't even think he realizes that we've unplugged it.  But, he really gets into it and that looks great, Evelyn & Daniel's mom even said so, so we let the guy with the green sunglasses sit in, even though he has no clue how to play a piano, really.

And then there's Eddie, and Donnie, and Topher.  Eddie's our manager.  He started the band first and it was going to be his band, he was going to play lead guitar and sing lead vocals, and be lead frontman and lead us all around, but he can't play guitar or sing, and he doesn't really look too good, anyway.  We asked him to just manage us and he pouted but he knows what he's doing.  I think.  He convinced Tommy's dad to let us practice in the garage, and Tommy's dad is a tough old codger so Eddie never really told us his secret, how he got Tommy's dad to let us use the garage.  But he's really good.  Tommy is his twin brother, so I guess Tommy's dad is Eddie's dad, too.  Tommy wants to be called Roal Exit Only, he wants that to be his eccentric stage name and he wants us all to call him Roal and I don't really give a damn, because his name is Tommy.  But he can sing okay and all the other guys like him, so I guess I can go with it.  Leg's wanted to change his name to Linens of the Week, because Tommy has an eccentric stage name that adds mystery to his personality, and I told Leg's it's a much better name for a song, or another band, so he said if he ever went solo that's what his band name would be, Linens of the Week.  The idea for our band name came from Donnie, that's Eddie and Tommy's other brother, he's a twin too, but actually he was just talking about how he really likes burritos and how he likes to take them to work, and how he plans on making a whole bunch of them so he doesn't have to make them every day, because it takes time to cook the rice and beans and roll it all up.  Topher likes Donnie's burritos too but they taste like shit.  Topher just likes to sit around, and he usually talks too much and yesterday he set an amp on fire when he was lighting a bowl, but he works down at the distributor so he brings a free case around some times and he's okay.  He says when we're big he'll help us carry our instruments around and we can even borrow his truck, so that's cool too.

All in all, I must say that since the band begun, this has been the busiest week of my life!